I wonder what my calling is. I keep sitting here (wherever here is, exactly; it varies) feeling like I don't belong. I honestly think I'm in over my head with this engineering stuff. I'm not going to say I'm not smart; I don't really think that. And frankly, I'm grateful that I'm smart enough to somehow still be passing my classes. I just feel like my gifts, as it were, are wasted here. And frankly, the social life kind of sucks too. My options are limited to staying in my room (or common area, or across the hall) basically wasting time (which is appropriate at least a good amount of the time), or going to boring frat parties where I know no one and there isn't anything to do but drink. Well, I guess there are also hockey games during the season, but I only went to one this year because our team sucked and it was really depressing. On top of that, my faith and values are scoffed at by the "academics" running about, and of course I'm also surrounded by stifling liberalism that frequently makes me feel sick.
That's not actually part of my overarching train of thought (although it certainly lends a hand in my thinking that I am completely in the wrong place at this point). I mean, there certainly is virtue in being in my position. I suppose I'm right in the middle of the cosmic battlefield, and for this I guess I should feel honored. Even so, I never feel like speaking what I think or behaving in a way that I believe will set a good example for others actually does any good. And of course there are the times that I utterly fail to set a good example, which are probably enough to completely countermand anything good I might accomplish.
I suppose, in short, I don't feel that I'm actually strong enough to survive in my present environment. Peter said, "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." He also listed several qualities we must seek diligently: faith, moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. "For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins." Peter urges us to be diligent and steadfast, lest we become like the dog returning to its own vomit, or the sow who washes and then returns to wallow in the mire. I often feel devoured and dirty. I have done things that I regret, repented, and done them again anyway.
What's more, according to Paul, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it." That just makes me a failure, I think. It is by my own choices in the face of temptations I am capable of resisting that lead me back to the proverbial vomit and mire.
To summarize (and I hope this is not construed as "emo"), my life seems like a mess and I feel alone. And I'm thinking about joining the Army. Maybe that's my calling. For some reason it keeps popping up in my head. Sure, there's always the risk of getting killed in action, but frankly right now I don't really feel like I'm living for anything. Maybe that's just a worthy risk.
I wish this semester would end already. At least then I can be miserable in a safe environment at home, on vacation.
That's not actually part of my overarching train of thought (although it certainly lends a hand in my thinking that I am completely in the wrong place at this point). I mean, there certainly is virtue in being in my position. I suppose I'm right in the middle of the cosmic battlefield, and for this I guess I should feel honored. Even so, I never feel like speaking what I think or behaving in a way that I believe will set a good example for others actually does any good. And of course there are the times that I utterly fail to set a good example, which are probably enough to completely countermand anything good I might accomplish.
I suppose, in short, I don't feel that I'm actually strong enough to survive in my present environment. Peter said, "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." He also listed several qualities we must seek diligently: faith, moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. "For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins." Peter urges us to be diligent and steadfast, lest we become like the dog returning to its own vomit, or the sow who washes and then returns to wallow in the mire. I often feel devoured and dirty. I have done things that I regret, repented, and done them again anyway.
What's more, according to Paul, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it." That just makes me a failure, I think. It is by my own choices in the face of temptations I am capable of resisting that lead me back to the proverbial vomit and mire.
To summarize (and I hope this is not construed as "emo"), my life seems like a mess and I feel alone. And I'm thinking about joining the Army. Maybe that's my calling. For some reason it keeps popping up in my head. Sure, there's always the risk of getting killed in action, but frankly right now I don't really feel like I'm living for anything. Maybe that's just a worthy risk.
I wish this semester would end already. At least then I can be miserable in a safe environment at home, on vacation.
1 comment:
I'm right there with you. Aside from the fact that my faith and values are encouraged rather than mocked at this particular institution and the fact that I'm not majoring in engineering, I think we're on the exact same page.
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