Thoughts, Go Away

It's that time of night where I can no longer avoid thinking. I basically avoid being alone with my thoughts all day, by doing any number of things. I sleep late for no reason, play computer games for hours at a time, watch TV shows, play my guitar, play Magic, announce baseball games (which is my job, but it helps), etc. I'm sure the list could be expanded. I'm not tired. I doubt I'll be able to fall asleep for a while. I couldn't sleep last night. Since all this stuff hits me at a time when its not feasible to share with anyone else, I might as well write it down here.

It's actually very simple. My heart is broken, and my life is in pieces. I'm heading towards a future that I don't care about. I'm going to graduate college, enter the work force (hopefully; with the economy the way it is, maybe I won't even get that far), and then survive. Not even live, no, just survive. When I think of living, I think of what it's like to be able to look at one person and see everything I could ever want, and watch my happy ending unfold. I would take any job, live anywhere, do just about anything to make that person happy. Just to be able to share a lifetime of experiences with that person would be enough. None of this stuff I'm doing satisfies me. It's not life. It's just distracting me from what would otherwise be just emptiness.

Well, I guess I'm just doomed. I don't expect anyone out there to really care or feel sorry or anything. Heck, if no one ever reads this, I won't know any better. I'm not the first or the only person to be in this situation. Even as I'm writing this, I know it's completely stupid.

I'm just another victim of love...or the failure thereof.

Dry Spell

I've been in the midst of a blogging drought, in case no one can tell. I haven't written in well over a month now. I like writing blogs. It lets me sort out all of my thoughts so that other people can read them. Unfortunately, my more recent thoughts are so confused and scattered that it would be nigh impossible to make anything discernible out of them.

There are all these songs that I can partially relate to my mindset. Each one has a little piece of the puzzle, but none of them quite get the whole picture. In fact, it's the same with TV shows and movies. There are all these things going on that I can watch and say, "Hey, that reminds me of my life, except there are a few differences." And in fact there are lots of things that I wish would happen in my life. I don't know if those kinds of things are realistic, or if its just wishful fiction. I mean, when someone writes a show like that, is it influenced by reality, or is it just something they kind of make up out of thin air?

I will say this, though: painting fences is good work for relieving stress. I don't know why. As a matter of fact, so is announcing. I actually feel happiest when I'm at the ball park, hanging out with my 12 year old buddies. I don't even really have any friends my own age around here. It's kind of weird when I think about it.

Man, this feels really disjointed. Hopefully it's at least a start on blogging remediation. I haven't been able to do any kind of solid, good thinking for a long while.

Scattered Thoughts

Today I don't really have an overarching topic, save that it's Good Friday and my mind has been quite active as of late. I'm basically going to throw down my random thoughts here and see how it works out.

Last night I walked into 301 where there was a heated game of Super Smash Brothers Brawl (one of the most boring games ever). Dolch called something in the game a fag, and I reprimanded him (facetiously), saying it wasn't nice. He responded that he wasn't using it in the "not-nice sense" (i.e. directed against gay people), after which Drew made a remark about my stance on homosexuality (that is, against it) and how the economic issues are weak for arguing against gay marriage. I said, "I'm against gay marriage because it is an affront to my religion. I'm against gay civil union because it is economically un-sound." Then, of course, Dolch offered up that he hates when people bring religion into the issue of marriage, because "marriage existed long before Christianity." Not bothering to launch into the explanation that that is incorrect (as Christianity has existed since the beginning of time, even though it only became manifest to humans some 2,000 years ago), I amended my argument by saying, "Okay, God has also existed long before Christianity, so it's an affront to my God." Bam.

Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals." Become sober-minded as you ought, and stop sinning; for some have no knowledge of God. I speak this to your shame. (1 Corinthians 15:33-34)

Truly, colleges are institutes of "lower learning" (a Michael Savage term). As far as I can tell, kids go off to college not just to get an education in some field of study that will advance their lives, but also to unlearn all of the values with which their parents raised them, become corrupted, and discover how to live of the world. Aren't we supposed to be learning, maturing, and growing, rather than discovering how to make bad choices and be irresponsible? No wonder our society is in crisis. We would all be better off if we had to become men in our early teens, facing death with every day and hard work just to put food on the table. These cushy dens of filth cause young, impressionable people to stagnate for four years (or more) by fooling them into a sense of safety and ensuring that they needn't face the reality of life or the consequences of their actions.

I don't want to sound sappy, but in all honesty, I would trust some people that I have never met or spoken to in person far more than those that I would commonly refer to as my friends. This is a result of a very special phenomenon, which is brotherhood in Christ. The sense of kinship I can feel with near-strangers is both amazing and encouraging.

The story of my recent life: It always catches up to you. Sure, it's all fun and games at the time. Skip the class now to take a nap or play video games. The test comes around and now you don't know any of the material. Sometimes it's that obvious. Sometimes it isn't. Keep on skipping classes, even after the miserable feeling and stress that test caused. After all, you got a 90 on the first one anyway. You can do it again. Don't stop there. Instead of examining your situation and realizing you have a problem, just bury it. How better to do that than by having a couple of drinks with your friends? Pay no heed to that nagging sense that maybe, just maybe, you should stop and think for a second. Things may be getting worse? Nah, just watch TV shows so much that you don't have any time to think about your life. Unfortunately, it can't keep up like this forever. You can ignore the blinking lights on the control panel telling you your engines are failing for quite some time. Eventually, though, the plane is going to crash, and you can no longer ignore it. My desert island? I lost the most important person in the world to me. I'm close to failing most of my classes. I go out and drink so much that I can't remember it. The only solace I can find is in the lives of the characters on "How I Met Your Mother."

Possibly the most mind-boggling part of all of this: even in all of the misery it didn't occur to me that I had to stop. I felt no regrets. And yet, that little nag in my conscience finally got the better of me. I don't know how, exactly, but it finally snapped in the middle of a phone conversation with my mom. The crushing weight of everything built up from months and months came down on me. And now today, not all that long after, I am the world better for it. It hearkens back to the story of Joseph: God meant it for good.

Now another brief word on friendship, drawing from my own experiences. Common wisdom dictates that "a good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying. 'Damn, that was fun!'" What a perversion of the truth. Let's look a little more closely at that statement, and rephrase it a little bit: "A good friend will help you out when you screw up, but a true friend will further encourage your wrongdoing with enthusiasm."

Excuse me?

For I have no one else of kindred spirit who will genuinely be concerned for your welfare. For they all seek after their own interests, not those of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 2:20-21) I stuck that in my last short post. The truth is, I made sure to avoid those people I could trust as my true friends that would support my values and have genuine concern for my welfare, rather than just looking out to have a good time. It is something far, far deeper that binds together a true friendship than just fun times together.

Right now, I feel like I've been kicked in the sternum. Nevertheless, I am whole. I was skimming through Revelation yesterday and I came upon the description of the "New Jerusalem" at the very end. I've read it before, but yesterday it hit me with an awe-inspiring amount of power. The understanding I have, far more than a simple belief or a comfort as skeptic would try to write it off, is resounding and incredible. The life-changing power of the grace of God is with me, and some day I will live in that beautiful city.

At the end of the day, all my efforts proved vain, and all my happiness was fleeting. I have had a truly life-changing experience this semester. I will sign off with a couple of references from Paul (in fact, I'm just going to delete the last post; everything that was in it is in here now).

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me. (1 Corinthians 15:10)

Indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves in order that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whome we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us. (2 Corinthians 1:9-10)

I have hope. I will not give that up.

What Is Love?

I once wrote a post of the same title in which I tried to work out just what it is we mean by "love." Today, with a troubled heart, I am undertaking a similar task. So many people speak of love that it almost goes without a thought.

I have observed people utterly crushed by love. I've seen it on television, heard it in song lyrics, and read it in books. The story around which my entire life is based is about a man who was God and took upon himself the weight of every evil in the world for love. To try and actually understand just what that entailed seems, at present, very difficult. Maybe that's the rotten truth about love: it demolishes us with such grim efficiency, leaving us so broken in spirit that it's difficult to actually conceive of still being alive. Even so, it remains. It remains because it must. Beneath the taint of humanity, beneath the pain and hardships and evils, it is still possible to understand that love has all the characteristics listed by Paul: patient, kind, not jealous, not arrogant, not acting unbecomingly, not seeking its own, not provoked, not taking into account wrongs suffered, not rejoicing in unrighteousness but truth, and of course bearing, believing, hoping, and enduring all things.

Love never fails.

This fundamental truth can be fairly easily recognized. When we are at our best, full of love and acting accordingly, we bring joy both to ourselves and to those around us. When we are at our worst there is conflict, suffering, and pain. Nevertheless, we always turn back around, because love nudges us in the right direction. We feel guilt for hasty actions or words, mean-spirited or sarcastic, intended to hurt or simply thoughtless, that bring harm to loved ones.

Maybe there is no rotten truth about love, after all. Maybe it's just the truth about us: we dig our own spiritual and emotional graves. For one person to take upon themself this kind of misery on behalf of every human that has ever and will ever live...death would seem to be a relief. To do this in the name of love is to give a great indication as to what power love actually has. It is a weighty perspective with which to view things. And maybe we just can't really understand love without such a perspective.

What a messed up world this is.

On the Absurdity of Sports

I was sitting at a baseball game today, and it occurred to me that sports are utterly and completely absurd. I mean, stop for a second. You're standing there with a stick, trying to hit a ball away from people so that you can run around a square path marked with "bases" at 60 foot intervals. What are you thinking? What is the significance of any of this action? What's more, how is it that we have determined the ideal positions and sequences of motion to accomplish these odd things? And why do people enjoy watching them so much? I seriously think that if I were an alien visiting Earth for a day, I would conclude that humans are insane.

Hmmm...that little rant was much shorter than I originally intended. But really, think about it. Sports are completely ridiculous. Why are they such a huge part of life?

Calling

I wonder what my calling is. I keep sitting here (wherever here is, exactly; it varies) feeling like I don't belong. I honestly think I'm in over my head with this engineering stuff. I'm not going to say I'm not smart; I don't really think that. And frankly, I'm grateful that I'm smart enough to somehow still be passing my classes. I just feel like my gifts, as it were, are wasted here. And frankly, the social life kind of sucks too. My options are limited to staying in my room (or common area, or across the hall) basically wasting time (which is appropriate at least a good amount of the time), or going to boring frat parties where I know no one and there isn't anything to do but drink. Well, I guess there are also hockey games during the season, but I only went to one this year because our team sucked and it was really depressing. On top of that, my faith and values are scoffed at by the "academics" running about, and of course I'm also surrounded by stifling liberalism that frequently makes me feel sick.

That's not actually part of my overarching train of thought (although it certainly lends a hand in my thinking that I am completely in the wrong place at this point). I mean, there certainly is virtue in being in my position. I suppose I'm right in the middle of the cosmic battlefield, and for this I guess I should feel honored. Even so, I never feel like speaking what I think or behaving in a way that I believe will set a good example for others actually does any good. And of course there are the times that I utterly fail to set a good example, which are probably enough to completely countermand anything good I might accomplish.

I suppose, in short, I don't feel that I'm actually strong enough to survive in my present environment. Peter said, "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." He also listed several qualities we must seek diligently: faith, moral excellence, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. "For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins." Peter urges us to be diligent and steadfast, lest we become like the dog returning to its own vomit, or the sow who washes and then returns to wallow in the mire. I often feel devoured and dirty. I have done things that I regret, repented, and done them again anyway.

What's more, according to Paul, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it." That just makes me a failure, I think. It is by my own choices in the face of temptations I am capable of resisting that lead me back to the proverbial vomit and mire.

To summarize (and I hope this is not construed as "emo"), my life seems like a mess and I feel alone. And I'm thinking about joining the Army. Maybe that's my calling. For some reason it keeps popping up in my head. Sure, there's always the risk of getting killed in action, but frankly right now I don't really feel like I'm living for anything. Maybe that's just a worthy risk.

I wish this semester would end already. At least then I can be miserable in a safe environment at home, on vacation.

Watchmen

Holy cow. I don't think I can say enough good about the movie right now. I just returned from my second IMAX viewing, and it blew me completely away. I mean, it was good the first time, but that second viewing was essential for capturing the subtleties that I might have missed before.

The soundtrack was superb. That's one thing I usually don't pick up on in movies. It was eccentric, to be sure, but the songs fit beautifully with what was going on on-screen. One of my favorite parts, effect-wise (and I'm talking not just about special effects, but the entire atmosphere of the scene) was Dr. Manhattan's back story sequence. I don't even particularly like Dr. Manhattan, but his character was made so incredibly vivid I couldn't help but enjoy watching it.

And as far as book renditions go (I say "book" rather than "comic," because Watchmen resembles a novel more than it does a comic book, and is actually a graphic novel anyway), it was easily the best I've seen in a long time, possibly ever. While picking up on the subtle (and overt) changes, the feel of the story and thematic elements were amazingly well preserved. Perhaps this is due to the abundance of pictures alongside words that allowed it to be captured in motion so well, but even other graphic-novel-based films weren't nearly as spectacular (i.e. 300, V for Vendetta, and Sin City). I think this can also partly be attributed to the excellence of Watchmen's superb story.

The acting was great, and in my opinion the casting was spot on. The costumes were cool, updated versions of their original counterparts, while staying true to the essences of the originals. The cinematography was also excellent. One part that I picked up on in particular was a shot framing the auto repair sign outside of Hollis Mason's house. Even the ending--slightly altered from the book--served to deliver the same effect while maintaining plausibility.

I don't think I have anything bad to say about it at this point. I defy a better movie to come out in 2009. And I'll tell you right now, the Academy and their prejudice against comics and super heroes can suck an ol' buck. This thing was a spectacle. There is no way any artsy movie can possibly match up.

In fact, I think I can summarize the entire moviegoing experience in this simple sentence: I want to be a masked adventurer.